Stubborn Gratitude: How To Be Thankful When The Holidays Hurt
A science-backed guide to practicing gratitude in heavy seasons, not just happy ones.
“Take time to feel gratitude and eventually your mindset will flow in that direction more easily.”
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Hi, I’m Jessica.
I write NP Fellow—a weekly mental health and functional medicine newsletter for people who want real, honest, and science-backed support.
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Let’s talk about something real today: gratitude, when you’re not feeling very grateful at all.
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Stubborn Gratitude: How To Be Thankful When The Holidays Hurt
There’s this strange pressure that shows up every year around the holidays.
It sounds like:
“Just be grateful.”
“At least you have family.”
“Other people have it worse.”
Meanwhile, your chest is tight, your brain is buzzing, your thoughts are racing, and you’re trying not to cry in the Target parking lot.
That’s because comparative suffering isn’t an effective coping mechanism and you should never discount your difficult or heavy emotions.
Maybe this season feels heavy because:
Someone is simply missing from the table this year.
You’re navigating money stress, burnout, or a quiet heartbreak.
Your family brings more anxiety than comfort.
You’re exhausted from caretaking, night shifts, or simply surviving.
So when you see another “gratitude challenge,” your body doesn’t feel inspired. It feels…annoyed, pressured, and a little bit guilty.
This article is for that version of you.
The version who wants to be grateful, or at least less bitter or negative, but refuses to lie or pretend everything is fine when it isn’t and chooses to face the stubbornness head on.
Here, we’re practicing stubborn gratitude: the kind that makes room for grief and anger, and gently asks, “What is still holding me up right now?”
Not as a performance, but as a survival tool.
What Gratitude Actually Does (Beyond The Instagram Quotes)
Neuroscience research shows that when people experience gratitude, it activates areas like the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and medial prefrontal cortex (PFC), regions involved in emotional processing, emotional regulation, and decision-making.
These areas help the brain reinterpret stress and shift your internal state without denying reality.
Randomized controlled trials and meta-analyses have found that gratitude practices are associated with:
better overall mental health.
reduced anxiety and depression.
higher emotional resilience.
improved quality of life.
better sleep and mood stability.
There’s also early evidence showing gratitude can:
increase heart rate variability (HRV) (a solid marker of cardiovascular health and nervous system flexibility).
lower resting heart rate and cortisol.
support parasympathetic “rest-and-digest” pathways.
improve cardiovascular well-being.
And the Big Joy Project out of UC Berkeley and UCSF found that even tiny, 5-10-minute daily gratitude or kindness rituals improved emotional well-being, happiness, resilience, and stress tolerance especially in people under chronic pressure or financial hardship.
This alone would be enough to make gratitude meaningful, but let’s go deeper.
The Expanded Neuroscience of Gratitude (Why It Matters Even More in Hard Seasons)
Beyond lighting up the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and medial prefrontal cortex (PFC), gratitude also shifts the neurochemical environment of the brain.
Even brief moments of genuine appreciation increase dopamine (motivation and reward), serotonin (mood regulation), and oxytocin (connection and trust).
This neurochemical trio doesn’t create instant happiness, but it gently pulls your nervous system out of threat mode and back toward balance.
Gratitude also reduces hyperactivity in the amygdala, the brain’s fear and alarm center.
When the amygdala quiets even a little, the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part responsible for clarity, reasoning, and emotional regulation, comes back online.
That’s why people often say gratitude helps them “think more clearly” or “feel like themselves again.” It’s not a metaphor; it’s anatomy.
For people who’ve lived through stress, trauma, grief, or prolonged uncertainty, this shift is even more meaningful.
Chronic stress rewires the brain toward hypervigilance; gratitude creates micro-moments that interrupt the threat loop.
Over time, those tiny interruptions help retrain the nervous system to recognize safety again!!
And here’s the part most people never hear: gratitude doesn’t need to feel profound to create these changes.
Even a small, honest moment, just one detail, one breath, one sensory anchor—is enough to send a different signal up the vagus nerve and recalibrate your physiological state.
This is why gratitude isn’t just a “nice idea.”
It’s a biological intervention.
A small act with disproportionately powerful effects on a tired mind and overwhelmed nervous system.
Three Gratitude Myths to Drop This Holiday Season
Myth 1: “If I’m truly grateful, I shouldn’t feel sad/angry/anxious.”
Gratitude isn’t an eraser.
You’re allowed to feel more than one thing at once.
Myth 2: “Gratitude only counts if it’s big and profound.”
Your nervous system responds most deeply to the small, minor, innocent, tiny, unimportant, and concrete things.
Myth 3: “If gratitude feels unnatural, I’m doing it wrong.”
If you’re tired or overwhelmed, gratitude won’t feel natural.
That means you need it; not that you’re failing at it.
A Different Approach: The 4-Step Stubborn Gratitude Method
This isn’t a 30-item list; this is a simple, 4-step, low-capacity gratitude ritual for hard seasons ready to be applied right now, today.
Step 1: Name What’s Hard in One Sentence
Not a monologue. Not a spiral.
Just one real sentence:
“This season feels lonely because ____.”
“I’m grieving ____.”
“I’m scared about ____.”
It’s not complaining. It’s orientation and increasing self-awareness.
Step 2: Anchor in Your Body
Before gratitude, support your nervous system:
Two slower exhales than inhales.
Hand to chest.
Feel your feet on the ground.
You’re signaling safety before softness.
Step 3: Ask, “What Is Still Holding Me Up Right Now?”
Not this year.
Not this month.
Right now.
One thing; that’s enough.
For me, no matter the unfortunate situation I’m in, I’m always and forever grateful for “my health.”
“I’m grateful for my health.”
“I'm grateful for my ability to move.”
“I’m grateful for my working arms, legs, hands, and feet.
“I’m grateful for my eyes and my vision.”
“I’m grateful for my instinct and intelligence.”
“I'm truly blessed and beyond thankful for being heathy.”
every single day, I’m grateful for “my health” and I don’t take it lightly.
And another bonus for me, that no matter the unfortunate situation I’m in, I’m always grateful for “being alive.”
"I’m grateful for being alive.”
“I’m blessed to be alive.”
“I’m grateful to be alive.”
“I’m truly thankful for being alive.”
Again, literally, every single day, I’m grateful for “being alive” and I definitely don’t take it lightly or for granted.
Step 4: Use the 5-Sense Micro Gratitude Ritual
Pick one:
See: One safe or neutral object in your line of sight.
Hear: A sound that doesn’t alarm you.
Touch: The feel of a sweater, favorite t-shirt, blanket, or chair.
Taste/Smell: Something warm or pleasant.
This is gratitude as nervous-system training.
Holiday-Specific Gratitude Rituals for Heavy Seasons
The Car Ritual (Before Going In)
Hand on chest.
Three slow exhales.
One honest gratitude.
The Bathroom Reset
Name two things in the room that signal safety.
The “Both-And” Text
“This is heavy; however, I’m grateful I can tell you.”
The Bedtime Three
Today was hard because _____.
Three micro-moments that were even 1% okay.
went for a walk.
drank adequate of water and electrolytes.
Took a shower and did some stretching.
After The Holidays (This Isn’t Just a December Skill)
This works during:
breakups
diagnoses
financial stress
burnout
family conflict
loneliness
transitions
times of hitting rock bottom
Stubborn gratitude belongs in every season where your nervous system needs help coming back to center.
Final Thoughts: If You’re Reading This & Struggling
You’re not ungrateful because this season feels hard.
You’re human.
If the only gratitude you can access today is:
“I made it through this day,”
That’s not small and that’s survival.
And, if tomorrow you can add: “There was one moment that wasn’t terrible,” you’re already practicing the kind of gratitude that rewires the brain, steadies the body, and changes the trajectory of a hard season.
One honest moment at a time.
Thank you for reading this article.
Until next Sunday,
—Jessica
Your 2am friend who actually gets it
“When we set our goals, we set the stage for growth. From then on, in the moments that pass, we take opportunities to align our actions in a way that steers us in the direction of our aspirations. But if we do not honor and appreciate every small victory, if we do not feel gratitude for acting in the way that supports our transformation, then we will lack the practice to fully appreciate the accomplishment of our bigger goals” —Yung Pueblo
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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER
This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice or to take the place of such advice or treatment from a personal physician. All readers/viewers of this content are advised to consult their doctors or qualified health professionals regarding specific health questions. All viewers of this content, especially those taking prescription or over-the-counter medications, should consult their physicians before beginning any nutrition, supplement or lifestyle program.
This article hit on point. It's for everyone.
This is so great! Needed this one Jessica!