“Don’t let the emotional turbulence in others stop you from keeping your mood the way you want it to be.”
♥️ A Note from Me
Hi, I’m Jessica.
I write NP Fellow Become the CEO Your Health, a weekly mental health and functional medicine newsletter for people who want real, honest, and science-backed support.
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The Missing Piece in the Advice to Be Authentic
I’ve noticed something that comes up frequently in conversations about growing on Substack.
Someone asks how to attract more readers, build an audience, or become successful as a writer.
And one of the most common pieces of advice is: Be authentic.
I agree.
But then comes the follow-up question: How? How do I actually be authentic?
That question always makes me think because to me, authenticity has always seemed fairly straightforward.
Do what interests you and pursue what matters to you. Decide what you want to do, experience, and become and make choices that reflect those things.
However, the more I see people asking how to be authentic, the more I wonder whether the difficulty isn’t necessarily being ourselves.
Maybe it’s recognizing how often we’ve learned to put someone else’s expectations ahead of our own and maybe that’s the piece we’re missing when we tell people to be authentic.
When Authenticity Becomes Another Expectation
There’s something interesting about the advice to be authentic, especially when it’s offered as a way to become successful.
We’re told to be ourselves, but then we look at people who are already successful to figure out what being ourselves is supposed to look like.
We notice how they communicate, what they share, how they present themselves, and what seems to attract attention.
Then we start wondering whether we should do the same.
Maybe we need to be more outgoing, maybe we need stronger opinions, or maybe we need to share more about ourselves or approach things differently.
Somewhere along the way, being authentic can become another set of expectations to meet, but authenticity doesn’t have one particular personality or appearance.
Someone can be outgoing and expressive while another person is quiet and private.
Someone can enjoy sharing personal experiences while someone else prefers keeping much of their life to themselves.
Neither approach is automatically more authentic.
We can learn from other people and we can experiment, develop new skills, and discover different ways of expressing ourselves, but there’s a difference between learning from someone and believing we need to become more like them to succeed.
If we’re trying to be ourselves, why are we looking to someone else to define what that should look like?
Whose Definition of Success Are We Following?
I think one of the most important parts of authenticity is understanding what success means to us.
Not what looks impressive and not what everyone else seems to be pursuing.
What do we actually want?
For one person, success might mean building a business, earning a certain income, or reaching a particular career milestone.
For someone else, it might mean having more time with family, pursuing creative interests, or building a life with fewer demands.
Those definitions can change as we grow.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting recognition, financial success, or professional achievement.
The question is whether those goals reflect what we genuinely want because it’s surprisingly easy to adopt someone else’s definition of success without realizing it.
We see people reaching milestones, we hear what we’re supposed to accomplish by a certain age, and we notice which achievements receive attention and approval.
Gradually, those expectations can begin shaping our decisions.
We might pursue something because it seems like the next logical step because it’s what people around us are doing or because achieving it would make us feel successful in the eyes of others.
Sometimes we don’t abandon what matters to us.
We simply become so busy pursuing what everyone else values that we forget to ask whether we still want the same things and we may not recognize that until we’ve spent considerable time working toward a goal that doesn’t feel as meaningful as we expected.
Not because the goal itself was wrong, but because we never really considered whether it was right for us.
Knowing Ourselves Is the Missing Piece
This is where self-awareness becomes so important.
We can become very good at meeting expectations without knowing which expectations actually matter to us.
We can be responsible, hardworking, and successful by other people’s standards while feeling disconnected from the life we’re building.
Sometimes that disconnect is subtle.
We might notice that an accomplishment doesn’t bring the satisfaction we expected or that we’re spending most of our time doing things we think we should enjoy rather than things that genuinely interest us.
Maybe we’ve become so accustomed to considering everyone else’s preferences that we rarely pause to recognize our own.
That doesn’t mean we’ve lost ourselves, but it may mean we haven’t given ourselves much opportunity to consider who we are outside the roles and expectations we’ve become familiar with.
I think that’s why the advice to be authentic can feel difficult for some people.
It’s harder to recognize what feels true to us when we’ve spent so much time considering what everyone else expects.
Self-awareness helps us recognize what matters. Authenticity is allowing that understanding to influence our choices.
For someone who already has a strong sense of their interests and priorities, that connection may feel natural.
For someone who’s spent years putting other people’s expectations first, it may take more time.
Neither experience is wrong.
We also don’t need to have ourselves completely figured out.
Our interests develop.
Our priorities shift.
Our experiences change what we want from life.
Sometimes we discover what matters through the choices we make, including the ones that don’t turn out as expected.
Being authentic doesn’t require us to remain the same person forever. It means being willing to pay attention as we grow.
Authenticity Shows Up in Our Choices
I think authenticity becomes meaningful through the choices we make.
It might mean pursuing an interest simply because we enjoy it, without needing to turn it into an accomplishment.
Choosing a path that reflects our priorities rather than one that impresses other people.
Expressing an honest preference instead of automatically agreeing with everyone around us.
Reconsidering a goal because we’ve realized it no longer matters to us in the same way.
Authenticity doesn’t always mean doing what feels good in the moment.
Sometimes we choose to do difficult things because they support something we care about.
Someone who values their health may exercise even when they don’t feel motivated.
Someone who values honesty may have an uncomfortable conversation.
Someone who wants to develop a skill may spend time practicing when they’d rather be doing something else.
Those choices can still reflect who we are because authenticity isn’t about following every impulse. It’s about making choices that reflect our interests, values, and the life we want to build.
We can compromise without abandoning ourselves.
We can consider other people’s needs.
We can keep parts of our lives private.
We can change our minds.
Being authentic doesn’t mean every decision will be easy or that we’ll always know exactly what we want.
However, understanding what matters to us gives us a way to consider whether our choices reflect the life we’re trying to create.
Final Thoughts
I still believe being authentic is simpler than we sometimes make it.
→ Do what interests you, pursue what matters to you, decide what success means for your life, but I also recognize that those things aren’t always easy to identify, especially when we’ve spent years listening to what everyone else thinks we should want.
Maybe that’s the part we’re missing when we tell people to be authentic.
There’s only one you.
That doesn’t mean every interest or idea will be unique. It means no one else gets to decide what a meaningful life should look like for you.
→ We can learn from other people without becoming copies of them and we can appreciate their success without making it the measure of our own.
Being authentic begins with knowing what matters to us and sometimes, we discover what matters by giving ourselves permission to make our own choices.
Thank you for reading this article.
Until next Sunday,
—Jessica
Your 2am friend who actually gets it
“Support your peace by not becoming extremely busy. Give your time to what matters most and repeatedly let go of the rest.” —Yung Pueblo
🪩 A Gentle Invitation
If this article resonated with you, you may appreciate my new product called Weekly Skill, a paid NP Fellow series focused on one real, grounded internal skill each week regarding attention, impulse control, emotional regulation, presence, and learning how to work with your nervous system instead of against it.
No pressure. Just an invitation.🤝
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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER
This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice or to take the place of such advice or treatment from a personal physician. All readers/viewers of this content are advised to consult their doctors or qualified health professionals regarding specific health questions. All viewers of this content, especially those taking prescription or over-the-counter medications, should consult their physicians before beginning any nutrition, supplement or lifestyle program.